And I quote…
Language is sometimes too limited and too imprecise to convey ideas. Over the last few months, I have penned my thoughts down and in this piece, I revisit a few of them, reflecting on my motives then and the lessons I have learned since.
“It is frighteningly disorienting to have to face the possibility that you are wrong about a person, fatally and irretrievably wrong.”
Being wrong is unpleasant. Being wrong about a person is awful. When that person is close to you, it can be devastating. This is especially so when we turn our friends into means towards our selfish ends, and fail to acknowledge our part in the resulting hurt — much less so, apologize and affirm our bond with them. Avoiding difficult conversations in the hope that they will come around, that time will fix or erase the damage caused is a selfish and manipulative tendency.
“Perhaps it is better for [disaster] to strike you at once…than it is to watch yourself unravel slowly — as if fate is pulling apart a tapestry she’s woven, thread by thread, until you fully come apart.”
We fall so we can learn to pick ourselves back up. It is incredibly difficult to live in physical pain, or emotional distress, yet it is certain that we must endure both. In these seasons, it is easy to fall prey to intrusive thoughts and to wish for a quick asportation out of our misery. Looking back, I now know that protracted periods of difficulty do teach important lessons, they bring as much as they take if one is willing to look. Importantly, endeavor not to suffer more in your mind than you are in real life, or better put:
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
“Those who rejoice in selfless abandon when he says ‘no’ can rest in the certainty that God will make no mistake when it comes to timing.”
Ambition has a downside. There is a constant anxiety for one’s plans to work out and for one’s expectations to be met. We want to see ‘things’ in motion at all times. This is why patience is difficult. While life sometimes rewards speed and promptitude, some of the most important lessons and strengths are learned in ways we aren’t consciously aware of. Too many times we wish for outcomes that end up being underwhelming. Our existence cannot be wrenched into a continuum of gratification: in this notion lie the seeds of disenchantment and addiction. Restraint against impulse is a superpower. Take time and hone it. It will serve you and serve you well.
“…if you ever feel like life is not catching up to the speed of your ambition, may you find strength in the knowledge that all things happen in due time.” — E. Mugisha.
You can endure to hear others praised as long as you can persuade yourself that you could have done some of what you have heard. Past this point, envy comes in and declares it false. Haters hate, not because they are jealous, but because they are told that they are required by an authority that they are required to recognize the person’s greatness in an unfair competition they were not even allowed to compete in, which if they weren’t so blind with rage they would realize they didn’t want to compete in anyway — Rob K Henderson.
For virtually all my life, I have been a very competitive person. I am familiar with the difficulty of giving credit to people who are better than I am at anything. When honor and recognition go to another person, it is easy to deem one’s self-image affronted. It is easy to cheer on for their achievement where I know (or tell myself) that I can do whatever they have done. The story is different when you wade into deeper waters, where it is clear that they excel at something I stand no chance with. Cue “They got really lucky.” “The judges were biased.” “I know they are friends with the lecturer…” and phrases of the sort. Envy blinds us to others’ merits and strengths. The need to be at the center of every spotlight is as draining as it is hollow. Confidence in one’s abilities implies an acknowledgement of one’s own limitations. Giving credit where it is due becomes easier when we accept this truth. Otherwise, people will constantly achieve and get ahead in life, and if that makes you miserable…
“Envy is a frenzy that cannot endure the fact that other people possess anything.” — Francois de la Rouchefoucauld (1613–1680).
“What is the minimum amount of commitment you must give without true devotion? Without ever tying you to someone? How do you love without loving, so that if/when you lose him/her, you lose as little as possible? ‘We are on this journey for a little while, our paths might someday diverge, let’s enjoy it while we can without taking it too seriously.’ People who have optimized this strategy never fully involve themselves.”
Does this sound like you? Do better.
